Worship Isn't the Same

“Worship is not made easier, but it becomes all the more meaningful when offered from a heart that is hurting.” - Nancy Guthrie

Before The Accident, I would cry here and there at church, but I never really knew why. I would feel God, and I was overwhelmed by His goodness.

Then, after The Accident, when I would worship, the songs would make me weep to the point where I couldn’t even sing the lyrics because I didn’t mean them. I could not praise Him for His goodness, or His faithfulness, or His never-ending love for me and my family.

When those songs came on, I would talk to God letting Him know how I felt and why I couldn’t sing those songs. He knows me, and He knows why I couldn’t sing them, but it was important for me to be vulnerable and honest. Not only with God but also with myself.

When we are suffering, there is something powerful when we speak our truth; when we speak from the depths of our hurt. What’s even more important, to me, is to know that it’s okay. It’s okay to speak our thoughts and feelings to Him rather than letting them fester in ourselves. I mean, He knows our innermost thoughts and feelings anyway.

After we lost Sadie, Trent and I thought it would be good to let a few weeks go by before we walked back into church. I was already worried that I would walk in and immediately see a small, delicate, pink casket, flowers, and her face on the screen. I prayed over and over that the Lord wouldn’t let me “see” that right away. I was grateful when I walked in and saw the stage to see that they had given the staging are a complete makeover since the last time we had walked into a church service.

Thank you, Lord!

As we began to worship, I specifically remember a song that our worship pastor began singing, and I immediately had tears streaming down my cheeks; I couldn’t stop them. It was the song, “King Of My Heart.” The chorus is as follows:

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh-oh…

...and...

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

It was the LAST thing I could sing to Him. I remember praying and telling him:

God, I know you’re good, but I don’t see how this is good.
God, I feel like you’ve let me down the moment I lost Sadie.
Why did you take her from us?
How do I live a life surrounded by loss?

I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I felt like I didn’t deserve the goodness that was poured upon us since Sadie entered Heaven.

My life had changed and so had my worship… what I sang, how I sang it, the point of view I see these words in. ALL of it...changed.

When I use to sing, You are good, it meant that I could see His goodness in the external part of my life: my husband, kids, house, job, etc. NOW, His goodness is felt/seen internally: His grace, mercies, how He carries me, how He never lets me suffocate in my grief, etc.

You’re never gonna let me down shows me that He has never let me down as I walk this life. He is forever faithful and good, and He shows me that this life is fallen and broken, but even though suffering and pain are present on earth, He will never let us down IF we choose to walk with Him.

This song didn’t mean I wouldn’t be let down in life, this song meant HE wouldn’t let me down.

Within the first few months, I was standing in an open wound trying to worship, and the salt from my tears made worshipping sting. There were Sundays that I wouldn’t/couldn’t sing. After the sting began to subside, I was/am able to worship without sobbing. I do still cry, but it’s different now; I’m able to praise him again, and oh, how good it feels.

A few Sundays ago, as I was worshipping, I started wondering what Heaven was like on that Sunday morning. Does Heaven have days of the week? I mean, the Bible does say on the seventh day He rested, so yes??

I started thinking about what Sadie was doing that moment. With my eyes closed and my hands raised, He flashed a picture of Sadie… she was worshipping with her hands raised and she was on her knees. It felt so real as if she was right next to me. A sweet picture of my daughter worshipping the Lord with me. There’s nothing that can take that image away from me. I still hold that image so close to my heart.

I’m grateful for those Sweet Sadie Snippets from God.

I’m learning that when I feel lost as to what to pray for- there are only so many ways to ask God to mend my broken heart- I can ask worship. There is such wonderful prayer in worship.

I pray for you today as I get ready to post this blog. Lord, please let my friends see your goodness even in their pain and hardships because you are good, and you will never let us down!